Our workshop at FGC Gathering last summer was the high point of a rather depressing year. My father died about six weeks before the Gathering. I had a really bad year at work. My relationship with my monthly meeting has been less than pleasant.

I applied for membership in Amawalk after Yearly Meeting in 1995. I had a couple of contentious meetings with my clearness committee in the Spring of `96. (My nontheism was not the only issue. The clerk of my committee thinks that I am a jerk. Not entirely without reason, but not the whole of the truth either.) We had another meeting in the Fall after the Gathering. I thought it had gone well and looked forward to further meetings. A few weeks later I received a letter telling me that the committee found that I was not ready for membership. I sent them a letter asking for another meeting. That letter has not yet been acknowledged.

I was furious (still am). It seems to me that it would take a miracle for the committee and I to reach a reconciliation. I suspect the committee feels the same way. The difference is that I am committed to being faithful to the possibility of achieving miracles. (I believe that Quakers have developed techniques that might facilitate such miracles).

The low point was after Christmas when Robin suggested (strongly) that we look for yet another meeting. I remember feeling what's the point. If I walk away from this, it would be the ultimate faithlessness. I don't feel that way now. I am still attending Amawalk. I am trying to turn the other cheek. I am not very good at it. Often, I don't get any better than passive-aggressive, but I'm working on it. When (if) I master my anger, I will look to see what I am called to do next.

The sidebar below contains an excerpt from Pendle Hill Pamphlet 328. I am now more convinced than ever that there is a place for religious nontheists among Friends. But, I am also more aware than ever that claiming that place will not be easy.

This year has been much better than last. I changed departments (and research direction) at work and it has made a world of difference. I still miss my papa, but I feel my period of mourning is coming to completion. Robin and I are expecting a baby at the end of July.

We will not be attending Gathering this year. I am sorry I won't get to see those of you that do attend. I miss you all. I am sure Eileen and Jiggs will do a wonderful job with the workshop. I look forward to reading reports on it in the Fall newsletter. Maybe Robin, Glenn, and I will put together an advanced workshop in a year or two (any ideas?)

Take good care. Remember, you are not alone.

much love,

Bowen

from The Servant Church

by Ricardo Elford and Jim Corbett

It begins with a quote from The Desert is Fertile by Helder Camara:

``... And you, my brothers and sisters who are atheistic humanists, don't think you have been forgotten. Translate what I say in my language into your language. When I talk of God, translate, perhaps, by ``nature,'' ``evolution,'' what you will. If you feel in you the desire to use the qualities you have, if you think selfishness is narrow and choking, if you hunger for truth, justice, and love, you can and should go with us.''

The pamphlet, in a section entitled ``An invitation to unbelievers,'' continues:

``Generally, unbelievers are like most believers in having learned that God is purported to be the supreme being who rewards obedient dead people by sending their souls to an everlasting paradise and who punishes the disobedient by sending them to everlasting torture. They have also heard that the Bible purports to be a factual account of human origins and history and to be the definitive source of rules about obedience and disobedience.

``Judged by these criteria, many theologians are now unbelievers. For one thing, belief in God as a being among beings --- even the one and only supreme being --- has been rejected as inherently idolatrous. If this kind of language is to be used at all, God is Creative Being itself, for whom there is no other and within whom all that has being exists. When Helder Camara invites atheistic humanists to say `Nature' where he says `God,' he knows there's only a quibbling difference.

``As for the claim that the Bible is the ultimate authority, bibliolatry is unbiblical. To the contrary, the prophetic faith has always required honest God-wrestling. One needn't bend one's mind to believe what one disbelieves, nor is there any need to try to approve of what one disapproves. Consider: Abraham, `the father of believers,' was the ancient world's trail-breaking unbeliever and iconoclast, rejecting all of humanity's purported Gods. The rabbinical tradition praises him for standing against worldwide condemnation as an atheist and also criticizes Noah for just following orders --- failing to argue with God against the flood, the way Abraham argued for Sodom and Gomorrah. The prophetic faith has never ceased to need its idol breakers who question all authority. ...''

Welcome home, friends!

Pete Houghton

Dear Michael,

Much of the past several months has been taken up working on the development of East Lake Commons, a residential village. We are in the advanced stages of planning with land purchased and ground breaking for buildings to start this spring. East Lake Commons is a co-housing village being built here in Atlanta and is based on the co-housing units that have developed in Europe. We are going to have some 67 homes, two common houses and ten acres of vegetable gardens, all on a sixteen acre tract of land located about three miles from downtown Atlanta and two miles from the Atlanta Friends Meeting. What we are hoping for is an intentional, self-governing village, peopled by residents interested in the environment, simple living (whatever that may be!) and a sharing life style. All autos will be parked on the edge of the village and not allowed into the housing or farm areas. A group of Atlanta Meeting Friends has been working on this idea for several years and have now joined with other like minded people to get the project underway.

A group of Friends are getting out a newsletter titled WHAT CANST THOU SAY? It is about mystical experiences and contemplative practice. Enclosed is a copy of one of their letters.

Another one of these letters had a quote that spoke to me. ``We delude ourselves into believing we see the Creator when what we are really viewing is creation.'' I do believe that creation is an ongoing process, not one that ended several thousand years ago. And I don't find any problem in having a process of ongoing creation while being puzzled by the need or necessity of having a Creator.

Pete Houghton
Atlanta MM

Bill and Kathy Thiemann

Dear Michael,

Bill and I are members of Milwaukee Friends Meeting. We decided to ask a few people if they were interested in discussing Non-Theism. Two other couples said yes and the six of us have met three times and plan to continue.

Our discussions have been very stimulating and include such topics as: how we came to hold our beliefs, our comfort level in sharing them, both in and out of meeting, and the basis for our moral philosophies. Our group includes former Roman Catholics, mainstream Protestants, and a Hindu.

Our meeting recently tried to explain the diversity of our beliefs in our adult education program. Signs were put up along one wall listing varieties of belief systems from Christo-centric to non-theistic and various stages in between. We were asked to stand in front of the sign that came closest to describing our beliefs. Of course there were some who wouldn't or couldn't find a place for themselves, there were a few at either extreme and most in the ``I believe there's something out there'' and ``I believe in God'' signs. Only Kathy and one other defined themselves as non-theists.

Hope your workshop this summer is as interesting and satisfying as the one we attended in Hamilton last year.

Bill and Kathy Thiemann

Michael Cox

Dearest nontheist Friends,

Unlike many of you who participated in the FGC Workshop last summer, I probably came to Toronto from a different direction. Instead of perhaps sliding down the slope of doubt from a relative position of faith, I approached the workshop as a convinced atheist who has been recently ``mellowing,'' seeking an extended community and a life of reflection. Yet I think that along with most others in the workshop, I was deeply affected by the events in Hamilton in a very positive way and look with anticipation to this year's workshop once again.

For about twenty years I have considered myself to be an atheist, while the previous five I called myself an agnostic. Although my beliefs are unwavering on the subject, at the same time, I deeply respect the personal opinions and beliefs of others. Indeed in the years previous to my rejection of a god, I searched very hard for a personal epiphany, and only with sorrow and regret did I conclude that all evidence points away from god. For me it is most important to live honestly with one's convictions and to avoid hypocrisy at all costs.

However, a few years ago I met my wife Jennifer, a birthright Quaker. Before meeting her I knew very little about Friends outside of elementary school lessons on William Penn and pictures of Friends on oatmeal boxes. As our relationship deepened and as I began to consider the prospect of marriage, I read histories on Friends and started going to discussion groups at Atlanta Meeting. But still I avoided attending Meeting itself. For me there was a great conflict between calling oneself an atheist and even being in the same space where others are practicing religious ceremonies of any kind. But Friends do not believe in ceremonies or ritual, and the Meeting House is just a house; that is, the location of meetings is irrelevant. So is Meeting for Worship a church service or what? The word ``worship'' sure is a part of the whole concept. To me these questions were crucial, if I was to be married in a Quaker tradition. Moreover, some Friends actually call themselves atheists without apparent contradiction in their lives. Despite not being able to answer all of these questions fully, I decided that a Quaker service held outdoors would not be a rift that would compromise my beliefs necessarily, and so we were married.

And then came FGC. It was my first. The entire atmosphere seemed to resonate with me, and I felt quite at home there. In particular, the Workshop on Nontheism among Friends put me face to face with these apparent conflicts once again. Yet here were thirty or forty people who called themselves Quakers that were also exploring this very volatile subject. Although it seemed surprising at first, I suppose that I was accustomed to the South where even discussing such subjects might be branded blasphemous. But then, for over 400 years Quakers have been called heretics for free thinking, so I guess it should not have been that surprising. Furthermore, here all of the participants were wrestling with some of the same questions that I was. The discussions and interactions electrified me.

But most importantly from my experience, the moments that started our discussions were held in silence. To me, as one who prefers to see the magician debunked, the silence was a kind of magic. And I cannot exactly explain it, although I do not feel the need to have a transcendental explanation to justify it. Nor do I demand any other explanation. Here in the utter lack of something, was a very tangible connection; like the very lack of a belief itself (e.g., nontheism), can be a very powerful influence. Afterwards I left Hamilton with the strong intention to attend meeting, at least to try a few times.

But after I returned to Pittsburgh, I hesitated. Perhaps I simply let my activities take precedence, or perhaps I still felt an apprehension in attending a worship service. I do not know, but there passed a couple of months in the Fall without action on my part. Then I happened to attend a potluck for Friends of Gay and Lesbian Concerns where, by chance, I struck up a conversation with Wallace Cayard, a long-standing member of Pittsburgh Meeting. It turns out that he is a retired professor of philosophy and religion at a local College and very enlightened. As I voiced my questions and feelings with him, he destroyed my every argument against becoming more fully engaged in Quaker life. With a bolstered determination, I decided to attend Meeting the following Sunday. My decision has been gratifying. I still feel connected at meetings and I hope that it continues. The messages at meeting seldom speak to me (and thankfully there is very little god-language), but the silence does ironically give me a bit of meaning.

So it is with great anticipation that I approach another summer, another FGC, and another workshop. I am not sure what this one will bring, but I am sure that it will be fruitful. I hope that many of you I met last year will return, and I also look forward to meeting others who will attend for the first time. We will all bring to the workshop a special perspective to share. I will bring a pocketful of queries.

Love to all,

Michael
Pittsburgh MM

Charlotte Cline

Dear Friends,

The information that Robert Ramsdell has cancer is very sad news. Debbie and Robert are lifted daily in my thoughts and heart, claiming order out of chaos for them; yes, I hold them in THE LIGHT!

Thank you, Michael Cox, for volunteering to put together the next issue of THE NONTHEIST NEWSLETTER.

Last year's workshop on ``Nontheism Among Friends'' was as riveting and life-changing as I indicated in our first newsletter. In the here and now, I'm facilitating a Young Friends group within the Berea Friends Meeting. It took several months to bring the group together. We are journeying together in our differing spiritual quests, as we learn to trust each other peer-to-peer and adult (me) to teenagers. We have formed a covenant community in the midst of the tug and pull of other types of communities-family, school, friends, sports, and so forth. Yes, we talk about ``God''; and yes we talk about ``The Bible''; and yes we talk about ``Quakerism''. Most of them, if not all, are known to be non-Christian in their school setting, so naturally they want to learn more about the Quaker label their parents use. (After Quakerism, our Young Friends are deeply interested in providing community service to organizations in need of volunteers. I've developed a number of volunteer opportunities for them, but with summer almost upon us, many of our youth go to camp for most of the season, and volunteer service may have to await the advent of fall.) It is still true, that the teacher (in this case, the facilitator) learns more than the students. I've had to devote energy and time I didn't know I had.

In seeking a personal ``spiritual'' life of my own, I get tangled up in defining what I mean by spiritual over against what others mean by the word. THE AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY (3rd edition) defines spiritual as being intangible, relating to God (whose?), relating to spirits or the supernatural, being sacred or affecting the soul (another word as divisive as the word God). I continue to ask, What is it I want out of a spiritual journey? I came to Quakerism in Philadelphia during a quite painful, emotional time in my life. I came seeking refuge from other religious affiliations I considered manipulative, even dangerous; I was a seeker in the sense early Friends used the term. The longer I remain in Quakerism and read various publications sponsored by the denomination, I find strong resentment among some Friends (usually in a condescending manner) that seekers use the Religious Society of Friends as an institution for refugees. I've found this attitude puzzling, because I thought Friends had gone beyond that time in Quaker history (known as the Quietist Period) when Friends had to conform or be removed from membership. Conformism consisted in measuring the length of one's tassels on table coverings in one's home or be eldered. Conformism consisted in requiring Friends to marry other Friends or be removed from the book of members. Conformism consisted in investing energy in measuring the height of tombstones in a Quaker cemetery. And many are the honorable myths (selective memories and selective facts*) about Friends disagreeing any number of years whether pews should have cushions or not; whether a vase of flowers in the room used for meeting for worship is to be placed in the center, to the side (which side?), or somewhere else. Where is the spiritual life to be found in all of these cogitations I feel are unworthy of members of the RSF? I'm convinced Quakers are serious about the shaping of these rules or regulations as they arise in monthly meetings, despite our being a non-creedal religion.

Finding nontheist sojourners is a welcome quest on my part. I do not particularly require that a nontheist be Friendly, because to my surprise I've found that as I have become more open about my search for meaning in my life and how I relate to others while I am here on this planet (surrounded with some quite awesome natural wonders here and out there), I encounter other seekers. Most recently, I've been introduced to a small number of pagans in the area where I live, and I have come to appreciate the discrimination they experience in following their own spiritual journey. The witches and wizards trace their religious ancestry back to the Goddess, which they believe predates God. I've enjoyed looking through one of the catalogs (Abyss Distribution) which sells paraphernalia for coven worship: candles, robes, talismans, tarot cards, and so forth; but none of this interests me because I simply do not resonate with ritual in whatever form it is offered. This is where I feel most satisfied with unprogrammed Quakers, because (at least in Berea), there is very little formality in meeting for worship. At the beginning, the clerk asks whether there is a concern or a person to be held in THE LIGHT. This done, we gather in silence. When asked what I take away from meeting for worship in silence, I explain I find peace and a sense of community and a sense of identity and a sense of place. (Something like the migration of Appalachians back to the mountains as soon as they can, after having to leave to work in a northern city for awhile to make enough to return to their community, identity, sense of place, and yes a sense of peace to be back with kinfolks.)

I've not been faithful to reading the books suggested by the leaders of last year's workshop. I last mentioned they really required professional knowledge I did not have. I have, however, been reading quite about Near Death Experiences in preparation for a discussion with Young Friends or perhaps with them and the Adult First-Day School. Near Death Experiences appear to reflect the religious or cultural context in which the clinically dead person had lived. Raymond Mooney (LIFE AFTER LIFE) interviewed adults whose NDEs were remarkably alike: the patient reports traveling through a dark tunnel (as part of their out-of-body experience) toward an indescribably bright and beautiful light where a supernatural being welcome the patient. In a companion book authored by Melvin Morse (CLOSER TO THE LIGHT), children up to age the late teens were interviewed, reporting NDEs similar to that reported by adults.

Melvin Morse also reports on scientific research in the medical community which replicated NDEs either through administering an anesthetic (ketamine is now used very rarely for surgical purposes) or stimulating electrically that part of the brain known as the Sylvian Fissure. Melvin Morse refutes Carl Sagan's thesis (BROCA'S BRAIN, last chapter entitled ``The Amniotic Universe'') that the birthing experience of every human being duplicates NDEs, in that going through a dark tunnel is recalled-memory of the journey from the womb through the vaginal canal to the outside world, where light and a god-like figure (nurse, doctor, mid-wife) physically receives the child into their arms. Melvin Morse wants to know how patients who apprehend in detail what is done by doctors and nurses who resuscitate them can be explained by Carl Sagan's premise that NDEs are birthing memories. My own sister and maternal grandmother, who both have gone through surgery where an anesthetic was required, recall quite vividly what doctors have said or done during the procedure. Certainly, more research is required and the subject of NDEs intrigue me.

Most interesting to me (because I wanted to know what forms of NDEs would be reported by non-Western, non-Christian, non-Jewish patients), was a radio broadcast on the subject in March this year, I think it was on National Public Radio. The researcher discovered that Pacific Rim Islander patients who had NDEs reported the dark tunnel and coming into a light where they found themselves in a great city, generally described as large cities such as found in more developed societies-no god-like figure was reported. In the Far East, in this case Japan, patients reporting NDEs (dark tunnel and a light at the end) report arriving into offices, typical of warrens most often found in giant bureaucracies in societies where jobs are guaranteed for one's lifetime. No god-like figures awaited them.

Actually, I'm quite content as a nontheist. My hope is to see everyone at FGC Gathering in Virginia.

Peace and affection,

Charlotte Cline

Errol Hess

(Printed with permission from What Canst Thou Say: Friends, mystical experience, and contemplative practice, No. 12, December, 1996.)

Coming to Quakerism from agnosticism, thru the non-theistic mysticism of Taoism, I have not experienced Christ or any revered spiritual leader, although I have had several unitive experiences, especially while in close contact with nature or in meeting for worship. I spent much of my childhood in the woods alone, and remember sitting under a tree in partial sunlight, absorbing my surroundings through all my senses, being drawn up in spring sunlight to where I could not sense the end of me and the beginning of all else. This type of experience was common in my youth, even when I was going thru the doubt which led to intellectual agnosticism. I might later have described it as integration of the right brain into left brain activities. It diminished thru years of college, work, and raising a family, with the need for it expressing itself primarily in attempts to write poetry.

Several adult mystical experiences were on the path which led me to Quakerism. These usually involved other people. When my daughter Jennifer was born, we went three days unable to decide on a name. Then, on a cold and sunny March day as I walked to the store, I heard in my mind the name Jennifer, and we agreed to it. I called my parents to tell them. My father answered. He told me that Mother had wanted to call me to recommend a name, but he wouldn't let her. I asked What was the name? Jennifer, he said.

Another time, I had been dating a woman for two years, and we had split up with enough acrimony on her part that I agreed to her request that I should not go to gatherings of our common friends when she was there. I learned that she was to be out of town one weekend, and so accepted an invitation to a party at a friends house. When I got there, her van was not there. I went into the kitchen and greeted the hostess and began talking with her. The party was going on in the next room, but I could not see any of the participants and only heard a buzz of voices. As we talked, the muscles on the back of my neck started tensing up until they were in a tight knot. Finally, I left the hostess and entered the living room, where I was greeted by the angry stare of my ex-lover. She had changed her plans, and rode to the party with a friend. She heard my voice as I talked to the hostess, but I had no indication that she was there. I had somehow picked up on her hostility without any common sensory cues.

The experience which led me to accept, intellectually, the possibility of the mystical happened on a July morning some sixteen years ago. When I woke early this particular Saturday, I could already feel that it would be a very hot day. So I fixed a quick breakfast in order to get some mowing done before the worst of the heat. I had finished eating and stood up to put my dishes in the sink, when I lost all energy, all power to move my muscles, and my vision turned gray and darkened until I could see nothing. I fell back into my breakfast chair and sat there for a long while, unable to even think. My whole experience then was of a cold darkness. I was unable to think, only able to experience viscerally the absence of heat and light. Then, after what was at least a quarter hour, I had a realization which rose to consciousness, If I don't do something, I'm going to die. I don't know where the strength came from then, but I was able to stand up, to see well enough to stagger out the door, to take down the mowing scythe and begin mowing weeds around a pile of lumber. After very few minutes of this mindless activity, I heard the phone ring, and I ran to the house to answer it. It was my sister, Joyce, and she was hysterical. Dads had a heart attack at the golf course, she managed to tell me, and I asked her to give me the number there, as I lived three hundred miles away from my home town. I called, and the brother of my college roommate answered. I asked Howard what he knew. The lifesaving crews there with him now, he told me. No, wait a minute, they're leaving. I asked him if the lights were flashing. When he said no I knew Dad had died. At Dads funeral, Dick McCullough, who with my father had helped start the towns rescue squad, cried on my shoulder, I loved your dad; I did everything I could to save him; I fibrillated him three times; but the doctor said his heart had just exploded.

When I began regularly attending Friends meeting, I would sit in the silence and go around the circle visualizing everyone there and visualizing my hand reaching out and touching them in turn. Once, when I did this, I had the sensation that we all began rising into a glowing light until it absorbed us. Then I felt only the light. At the end of meeting, a Friend commented, This was truly a gathered meeting. Now, in meeting for worship I often go directly to the experience of being absorbed in this light.

However wondrous these experiences, without the experience of my fathers death, I would have to call them subjective. Even my experience with the ex-lover could be explained rationally by my subconscious catching verbal cues from the next room that she was there. My daughter Jennifer's naming could have been coincidence. Still, there is no rational explanation for what I experienced simultaneously with my fathers death, except that I was connected with him in a way that science has not yet documented.

Errol Hess
Tri Cities MM
SAYMA

Editorial: Why an NT Newsletter?

by Michael Cox

One of the letters received this time was from Jiggs Kunkel, the body of which is reprinted on page 1. However, he began the letter on a personal note, posing a question to me concerning the focus and goals of this newsletter. As such, I think that the query is profound and needs addressing. In effect, he questions the purpose of a newsletter on nontheism.

When I got your card it occurred to me that there is something slightly puzzling about the idea of a Nontheist Newsletter. As editor, what news should you aim to report? After all, when it comes to such matters as changing jobs, taking vacations, marrying and divorcing, having children or grandchildren, etc., nontheists are no different from theists. Moreover, nontheists, like non-Muslims or non-English speakers, are a heterogeneous group (including Buddhists and Marxists, for example). So what news should be expected to interest all of us?

I concluded, first, that the news you're after should be of interest to QUAKER nontheists (nothing startling about that, since the Newsletter grew out of a workshop called Nontheism Among Friends), and second, that ``news'' should be construed rather broadly. I wonder if that's how you see it.

Yes I do not believe a great disparity is inherent in the concept of a newsletter on nontheism, and I agree with your conclusion. Yet at first, I also wondered about the same things. Most of us entered into this community at the FGC Workshop on Nontheism Among Friends last summer, and have used the newsletter to stay in touch with each other. This is a very important role for the newsletter. But it is uncertain exactly what brings us together.

It is odd for a group to be defined by the lack of some attribute (in our case, a belief) and for this attribute be shared by those outside of the group. But if we consider the context, then the category may make more sense. For example, non-Muslims in a predominantly Muslim culture would be reasonable, because the members of the group would probably be isolated by their life-styles and would find comfort in mutual association.

But the true commonality of the readers of this newsletter is not the lack of some attribute; instead, I believe that what we all share is some form of doubt and some common questions (and queries are a very Quaker form of expression). Otherwise, the life of a doubter can be a very solitary one. To question the concept of god puts us at odds with mainstream opinion in the general world and with many in the Friends community in particular (See excerpts from "The Spectrum of Christian and Universalist Quakers" in the subsequent sec tion of the newsletter. Nontheists are only part of the 7 percent categorized by Cayard as Agnostics and other seekers."). Although many Quakers in FGC accept differences of opinion and are tolerant to a painful extent sometimes, the person who openly claims that god does not exist (or openly voices their doubts) may encounter a deafening silence in return. Only in rare instances (e.g., Robin Alpern's disownment) will overt words and actions be used against a person genuinely expressing an opinion. But despite the irony, this silence puts us in a very different position among Quakers.

Moreover, we need a forum to express our ideas, opinions, and doubts and to share interesting readings that speak to our unique concerns. Here we may find our ideas both reflected and challenged. It is useful to see mutually held ideas, or for that matter, to see mutually rejected ideas (e.g., a personal living anthopomorphic god). Furthermore, within these pages we can explore what faith and religious experience means in the absence of a dogmatic structure and theistic explanation (or whether this constitutes a contradiction in terms). It is not clear what the answers are despite the fact that it may be one of the central issues with which we all struggle. This newsletter offers us a vehicle for gaining a more clear understanding of such matters, and I encourage contributions that open extended discussions of similar issues. As such, this newsletter offers a kind of conceptual extended family to let others know that we are not alone in our thoughts and ideas; although the distances that separate us are often great in mileage, they are not great in concept.

However, our family is not a strictly homogenous one. The newsletter is not only for the atheist or the agnostic. Instead, it is intended to include all who wonder about or doubt that for which we have long taken for granted. In the most general sense then, this newsletter is for those seeking the truth, rather than for those who believe it already to be in hand.

We should feel free to write to this newsletter to let others know what has occurred in our lives as well as within our thoughts. We are not much different than any theist, in that we need to have these contacts and share this experience. All contributions are welcome.

Excerpts from ``The Spectrum of Christian and Universalist Quakers''

by Wallace Cayard

(Taken from a longer version (December, 1996) of an article submitted to Friends Journal. Wallace Cayard is a member of Pittsburgh (PA) Meeting and is emeritus professor of philosophy and religion at West Liberty (WV) State College.)